Yeah, I sat here for like 10 minutes trying to think of a title for this post. That is the best I could come up with, so deal with it :)
I know my wedding post is still pending, and I do have our pictures already, but generally I post while I am at work and the wedding pictures are on the computer at home. One day I am sure I will get around to finishing that post. Until then, I want to discuss something I feel very passionately about and has come up again (or still??) recently.
Pregnancy. A few people reading this blog may know my thoughts and feelings about this topic as I think I posted about it on my old blog many moons ago. For many others, this will be new. Please know before reading this that I do try to see both sides of the story, but it can be very difficult for me on this topic.
It is no secret that I want a family and to be a mom more than I can even begin to describe. A lot of little girls grow up dreaming of prom and their wedding day, and I went ahead and skipped dreaming about all that and had dreams about my house and kids and being a mom. I always thought that around the age of 21-22 would be a good time to start having kids. And let me tell you, I DESPERATELY wanted a baby at that time. Given the circumstances between then and now I am grateful that there was a bigger picture in play and I didn't have a baby previously. However, while grateful for the circumstances, it doesn't lessen me wanting a baby.
Over the years as I felt more and more of a desire to be a mom, it became harder and harder for me each time I heard of someone else getting pregnant. Just short of 3 years ago my brother Trevor and his girlfriend came to me and told me she was pregnant. This was the first in a string of pregnancies, and definitely the one I handled the best. Although I still didn't handle it great. When they told me, I kept my composure, discussed it with them (as they hadn't been planning on it) and told them I would support them and would be happy about it. (For anyone outside of my family, the baby was born but we haven't seen him since he was about 6 months or so. Longer story there). Then, not long after my brother telling me, my sister came to me. This was just over 2 years ago (as her little boy just turned 2). When her and her husband came to tell me, I did not handle it well. At the time, me and my ex-husband had been trying to get pregnant and it wasn't happening. My sister on the other hand wanted NOTHING to do with a baby and was just about to do her 3 or 5 year birth control thing again. But, they got pregnant. Another sibling pregnant, not trying, not ready. I cried when she told me. I know the response wasn't appropriate, but I couldn't help myself. I just cried. And it took me a few months to even begin faking being happy for her. Through other circumstances, not me or any of my family has ever met this baby before. So thus far....while pregnancies have been difficult for me to understand and deal with, ultimately (through sad circumstances) the babies have not been a part of our life which means in a lot of ways I haven't had to deal with it more.
Then of course there are all of the people on Facebook announcing pregnancies. I swear one happens at least every month. Those are difficult for me as well. Now, don't get me wrong, there have been a few friends who I know had been trying for months, or even years to get pregnant, and I honestly felt nothing but joy for them when I heard.
Fast forward to this last Christmas. My youngest brother told me his girlfriend was pregnant. I handled this better than when my sister told me, but still not great. They told me on Christmas Eve, and I don't think I spoke more than a few words to either of them for weeks. I just couldn't. I avoided them. It was easily 3 months later before I was at a point that I could accept it and be happy about it. And while I love my brother and his girlfriend SO very much, it is still so hard for me to understand. I am surrounded by people getting pregnant and having babies who are NOT trying. People who are NOT ready. People who don't want to be parents yet. People who cannot support themselves, much less a baby. And even people where it only takes them one try to get pregnant I have a hard time with. It just doesn't seem fair.
I want a baby and to be mom more than I honestly can describe. It is a deep yearning inside of me. My heart and stomach ache when I see a baby or toddler, or when I see someone who is pregnant. My body aches for that. I want to be able to feel my stomach and feel a little one growing inside me. I want to make a home for a new little one and help them to learn and grow and become a good person. With each month that passes and I am not lucky enough to get pregnant, my heart breaks. I cry when my period starts. It is such a horrible feeling each and every time. I want a baby. Alan wants a baby. We are ready. We have a home for this baby. We can support ourselves as well as a baby and be ok. We are trying. We've been trying. It is so incredibly difficult to be trying and ready in all the right ways and to watch others around you not nearly as ready getting to be parents.
I try to be happy for others around me, but if I'm being honest, it's pretty much all fake. It just makes me sad. I KNOW that is not the right reaction, but I just can't help it. I find comfort with other women who tried for months or years to get pregnant and have experienced my same reactions and feelings. At least I know I am not the only one who feels this way. I pray one day I will be looking back at these times in my life and they will no longer hurt. I hope I get my little miracle one day sooner rather than later.
July 30, 2014
July 11, 2014
New Phase....or Maybe An Old One
So, I am still waiting on the wedding pics to finish posting about the wedding day, but I've been sitting here trying to decide if I should post or not, and felt like I wanted to. So we'll take a skip over wedding day and honeymoon for a minute :)
This past week or so it seems I've been thinking a TON about friends and life. I think it kinda all started with the wedding and reception, to be honest. There are a few of our 'friends' who didn't show up that we were certain would. And then there were those friends that we (mostly I) haven't seen in ages, and they took the time to show up still. And then there were other friends that maybe I wasn't so fond of (but they are close with Alan) that I had a change of heart with. Ya know how you will hear people say "You don't really remember who comes to your reception or not because you are so busy with everything"? Yeah, I am not one of those people. I DO remember, very clearly. In fact, I still remember from my first wedding who didn't show up that I expected and I felt sad because of it. The same rings true now. There are some people who didn't show up that really just surprised me. Thinking about our friendship and how often we spend time together, or are there for them, for them to not come makes me a little sad. And then there was those few friends who I literally have not seen in at least a year (and others much more time than that) who came still. Those friends.....it meant the world to me that they would come despite the time and distance between us. To those friends (Amber & Matt, Kara, Stuart, Bryan & Allison), I say thank you, from the bottom of my heart. And then there were that last group of friends who maybe I haven't had the deepest bond with in the past, but because of their actions over this time I came to realize that their friendship meant more to me than I had realized.
So all of this has me thinking. Alan and I are at a point in our lives we are wanting some things to change. We have goals, dreams, hopes. We both know we always wanted to get back in to the church, but were somewhat afraid of how others would accept us before we were married. (Yeah, didn't think it would go over well if we went to church, living together, not married, etc). But now that we are married, we made our way back to church for the first time last week. Yes, only sacrament meeting, and yes, I was freaking out a bit about it all, but we went. To Alan I think it felt completely normal, as if he never missed a beat with it all. To me, I was anxious, nervous, and seriously thought about not going. I think the difference there is, it has only been about 2 years since Alan hasn't been consistently. It has been 9 years for me. It's gonna take some time to re-adjust I think :) Then those things keep me thinking even further.....are the people we spending our time with now the people who make us better? Who encourage us in the direction we want to go? Who are honest, real, and are there for us? Are they couples that we want to model our marriage after and who we feel are good examples to us? In general, I must admit, I say no to most of those questions. Those friends who we have spent time doing things with are most definitely not people we want to model our marriage after. I've heard and read lots of things over the last few years about making sure you are friends with other married couples you look up to, etc. Looking back over my divorce and all the situations that happened there, I can see the truth to this.
So where do we go from here? It's not like we dislike our friends we spent time with now, they are still great people. I think it is just that we want something a little different. Because of these thoughts, we will be making attempts to re-connect with old friends lost, and take those opportunities to build new friendships with those in our ward who are close and are hopefully working towards the same life goals as we are. As confident as I am that this is a step in the right direction, it still scares me and I know there will be lots of changes to make! I do not want to lose who I am, yet I want to become a better version of me. I guess we just put one foot in front of the other and take things as they come in this journey :)
This past week or so it seems I've been thinking a TON about friends and life. I think it kinda all started with the wedding and reception, to be honest. There are a few of our 'friends' who didn't show up that we were certain would. And then there were those friends that we (mostly I) haven't seen in ages, and they took the time to show up still. And then there were other friends that maybe I wasn't so fond of (but they are close with Alan) that I had a change of heart with. Ya know how you will hear people say "You don't really remember who comes to your reception or not because you are so busy with everything"? Yeah, I am not one of those people. I DO remember, very clearly. In fact, I still remember from my first wedding who didn't show up that I expected and I felt sad because of it. The same rings true now. There are some people who didn't show up that really just surprised me. Thinking about our friendship and how often we spend time together, or are there for them, for them to not come makes me a little sad. And then there was those few friends who I literally have not seen in at least a year (and others much more time than that) who came still. Those friends.....it meant the world to me that they would come despite the time and distance between us. To those friends (Amber & Matt, Kara, Stuart, Bryan & Allison), I say thank you, from the bottom of my heart. And then there were that last group of friends who maybe I haven't had the deepest bond with in the past, but because of their actions over this time I came to realize that their friendship meant more to me than I had realized.
So all of this has me thinking. Alan and I are at a point in our lives we are wanting some things to change. We have goals, dreams, hopes. We both know we always wanted to get back in to the church, but were somewhat afraid of how others would accept us before we were married. (Yeah, didn't think it would go over well if we went to church, living together, not married, etc). But now that we are married, we made our way back to church for the first time last week. Yes, only sacrament meeting, and yes, I was freaking out a bit about it all, but we went. To Alan I think it felt completely normal, as if he never missed a beat with it all. To me, I was anxious, nervous, and seriously thought about not going. I think the difference there is, it has only been about 2 years since Alan hasn't been consistently. It has been 9 years for me. It's gonna take some time to re-adjust I think :) Then those things keep me thinking even further.....are the people we spending our time with now the people who make us better? Who encourage us in the direction we want to go? Who are honest, real, and are there for us? Are they couples that we want to model our marriage after and who we feel are good examples to us? In general, I must admit, I say no to most of those questions. Those friends who we have spent time doing things with are most definitely not people we want to model our marriage after. I've heard and read lots of things over the last few years about making sure you are friends with other married couples you look up to, etc. Looking back over my divorce and all the situations that happened there, I can see the truth to this.
So where do we go from here? It's not like we dislike our friends we spent time with now, they are still great people. I think it is just that we want something a little different. Because of these thoughts, we will be making attempts to re-connect with old friends lost, and take those opportunities to build new friendships with those in our ward who are close and are hopefully working towards the same life goals as we are. As confident as I am that this is a step in the right direction, it still scares me and I know there will be lots of changes to make! I do not want to lose who I am, yet I want to become a better version of me. I guess we just put one foot in front of the other and take things as they come in this journey :)
July 1, 2014
Mr. & Mrs.
We are now officially Mr. & Mrs.!!!! The last 2 weeks have just been amazing. It is hard to even decide where to start in sharing all of our wedding excitement and stories. :) I know there is just no way for me to cover all of it in one post, so I'll break it up a bit. Also because I don't have our wedding pics back from the photographer yet and I want to be able to share those when I post about the wedding day itself!
So the night before our wedding Alan's parents offered to do a rehearsal dinner of sorts. Not really any rehearsal needed, but it worked out well to get our families together to introduce everyone and just enjoy for a bit. We opted to do it at the church pavilion in AF next to the temple (his brother's church house). The weather was nice and not too hot which worked out well. Alan's parent's made a great dinner for everyone! They spent hours and hours making pulled pork, chicken, homemade buns, and BBQ baked beans. Then we had other pitch in side salads and drinks. It was a yummy meal and the pulled pork was a huge hit! We had about 35 people there between both our families and it was great. :)
After dinner everyone headed home as the plan was to be able to get a good nights rest before the wedding. Yeah.....this didn't happen so much for me and Alan! (shocker, right?) We got home and helped with the cleanup of the dutch ovens and such for dinner, as well as finished packing our suitcases for the weekend. We both climbed in to bed by around 10:00. About 11:00 I finally gave in and decided to get out of bed as sleep just wasn't coming. I made my way downstairs and made some tea in hopes of settling my stomach a bit and relaxing myself. I sat with Alan's mom as she watched some TV while I drank my tea.....yet I still wasn't ready for sleep. I took a break to sit on the front porch for a bit by this time, and finally around midnight decided to try to sleep again. I think sometime around 12:30 I finally was able to fall asleep......until around 3:30 that is. lol! From then until 6:00 I was in and out of sleep until I finally just got up. When Alan woke up the next morning I told him that I was glad one of us got some sleep last night, to which he laughed and told me had woken up like "37 times" and could hardly sleep at all. I guess it was a restless night for both of us. :)
The wedding morning came and we were up and running pretty early! I wanted to make sure I felt relaxed and not rushed, so I got up a bit earlier than normal. I was sure glad I did. To my complete surprise, my (truely incredible) Aunt Marva showed up around 7:00 or so to make me and Alan breakfast on our wedding day! Yeah, this lady right here.......the most incredible aunt and friend anyone could ever ask for:
She showed up, made me cry, and then proceeded to make us waffles with fresh strawberries and cool whip along with bacon and orange juice. It was absolutely delicious, and special to me for a reason only a few know. I can honestly say she is one of the most thoughtful and caring people I know. She truely made that morning memorable for me.
Alan and I then finshed getting ready and loading up the car with the wedding supplies. Around 8:30 most of my family showed up at our house to help carry our centerpieces over to the library (where we had our wedding). By 9:00 Alan's sister Cathy came to help me finish getting ready and loaded up and then took me over to the library where everyone else already was at getting set up.
And now......the end of this post. :) I will post all about the wedding day itself once I get the pics back from the photographer.....but here is one I have already that she gave us as a "sneak peak" :) Enjoy!
So the night before our wedding Alan's parents offered to do a rehearsal dinner of sorts. Not really any rehearsal needed, but it worked out well to get our families together to introduce everyone and just enjoy for a bit. We opted to do it at the church pavilion in AF next to the temple (his brother's church house). The weather was nice and not too hot which worked out well. Alan's parent's made a great dinner for everyone! They spent hours and hours making pulled pork, chicken, homemade buns, and BBQ baked beans. Then we had other pitch in side salads and drinks. It was a yummy meal and the pulled pork was a huge hit! We had about 35 people there between both our families and it was great. :)
After dinner everyone headed home as the plan was to be able to get a good nights rest before the wedding. Yeah.....this didn't happen so much for me and Alan! (shocker, right?) We got home and helped with the cleanup of the dutch ovens and such for dinner, as well as finished packing our suitcases for the weekend. We both climbed in to bed by around 10:00. About 11:00 I finally gave in and decided to get out of bed as sleep just wasn't coming. I made my way downstairs and made some tea in hopes of settling my stomach a bit and relaxing myself. I sat with Alan's mom as she watched some TV while I drank my tea.....yet I still wasn't ready for sleep. I took a break to sit on the front porch for a bit by this time, and finally around midnight decided to try to sleep again. I think sometime around 12:30 I finally was able to fall asleep......until around 3:30 that is. lol! From then until 6:00 I was in and out of sleep until I finally just got up. When Alan woke up the next morning I told him that I was glad one of us got some sleep last night, to which he laughed and told me had woken up like "37 times" and could hardly sleep at all. I guess it was a restless night for both of us. :)
The wedding morning came and we were up and running pretty early! I wanted to make sure I felt relaxed and not rushed, so I got up a bit earlier than normal. I was sure glad I did. To my complete surprise, my (truely incredible) Aunt Marva showed up around 7:00 or so to make me and Alan breakfast on our wedding day! Yeah, this lady right here.......the most incredible aunt and friend anyone could ever ask for:
She showed up, made me cry, and then proceeded to make us waffles with fresh strawberries and cool whip along with bacon and orange juice. It was absolutely delicious, and special to me for a reason only a few know. I can honestly say she is one of the most thoughtful and caring people I know. She truely made that morning memorable for me.
Alan and I then finshed getting ready and loading up the car with the wedding supplies. Around 8:30 most of my family showed up at our house to help carry our centerpieces over to the library (where we had our wedding). By 9:00 Alan's sister Cathy came to help me finish getting ready and loaded up and then took me over to the library where everyone else already was at getting set up.
And now......the end of this post. :) I will post all about the wedding day itself once I get the pics back from the photographer.....but here is one I have already that she gave us as a "sneak peak" :) Enjoy!
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