Let's Get Personal

Yeah, I sat here for like 10 minutes trying to think of a title for this post.  That is the best I could come up with, so deal with it :)

I know my wedding post is still pending, and I do have our pictures already, but generally I post while I am at work and the wedding pictures are on the computer at home.  One day I am sure I will get around to finishing that post.  Until then, I want to discuss something I feel very passionately about and has come up again (or still??) recently.

Pregnancy.  A few people reading this blog may know my thoughts and feelings about this topic as I think I posted about it on my old blog many moons ago.  For many others, this will be new.  Please know before reading this that I do try to see both sides of the story, but it can be very difficult for me on this topic.

It is no secret that I want a family and to be a mom more than I can even begin to describe.  A lot of little girls grow up dreaming of prom and their wedding day, and I went ahead and skipped dreaming about all that and had dreams about my house and kids and being a mom.  I always thought that around the age of 21-22 would be a good time to start having kids.  And let me tell you, I DESPERATELY wanted a baby at that time.  Given the circumstances between then and now I am grateful that there was a bigger picture in play and I didn't have a baby previously. However, while grateful for the circumstances, it doesn't lessen me wanting a baby.

Over the years as I felt more and more of a desire to be a mom, it became harder and harder for me each time I heard of someone else getting pregnant. Just short of 3 years ago my brother Trevor and his girlfriend came to me and told me she was pregnant.  This was the first in a string of pregnancies, and definitely the one I handled the best.  Although I still didn't handle it great.  When they told me, I kept my composure, discussed it with them (as they hadn't been planning on it) and told them I would support them and would be happy about it. (For anyone outside of my family, the baby was born but we haven't seen him since he was about 6 months or so. Longer story there). Then, not long after my brother telling me, my sister came to me.  This was just over 2 years ago (as her little boy just turned 2). When her and her husband came to tell me, I did not handle it well.  At the time, me and my ex-husband had been trying to get pregnant and it wasn't happening.  My sister on the other hand wanted NOTHING to do with a baby and was just about to do her 3 or 5 year birth control thing again.  But, they got pregnant. Another sibling pregnant, not trying, not ready.  I cried when she told me. I know the response wasn't appropriate, but I couldn't help myself. I just cried.  And it took me a few months to even begin faking being happy for her.  Through other circumstances, not me or any of my family has ever met this baby before.  So thus far....while pregnancies have been difficult for me to understand and deal with, ultimately (through sad circumstances) the babies have not been a part of our life which means in a lot of ways I haven't had to deal with it more.

Then of course there are all of the people on Facebook announcing pregnancies. I swear one happens at least every month.  Those are difficult for me as well. Now, don't get me wrong, there have been a few friends who I know had been trying for months, or even years to get pregnant, and I honestly felt nothing but joy for them when I heard.

Fast forward to this last Christmas.  My youngest brother told me his girlfriend was pregnant.  I handled this better than when my sister told me, but still not great.  They told me on Christmas Eve, and I don't think I spoke more than a few words to either of them for weeks.  I just couldn't. I avoided them.  It was easily 3 months later before I was at a point that I could accept it and be happy about it.  And while I love my brother and his girlfriend SO very much, it is still so hard for me to understand.  I am surrounded by people getting pregnant and having babies who are NOT trying. People who are NOT ready.  People who don't want to be parents yet.  People who cannot support themselves, much less a baby.  And even people where it only takes them one try to get pregnant I have a hard time with.  It just doesn't seem fair.

I want a baby and to be mom more than I honestly can describe.  It is a deep yearning inside of me. My heart and stomach ache when I see a baby or toddler, or when I see someone who is pregnant. My body aches for that. I want to be able to feel my stomach and feel a little one growing inside me. I want to make a home for a new little one and help them to learn and grow and become a good person.  With each month that passes and I am not lucky enough to get pregnant, my heart breaks.  I cry when my period starts. It is such a horrible feeling each and every time. I want a baby.  Alan wants a baby. We are ready.  We have a home for this baby. We can support ourselves as well as a baby and be ok.  We are trying. We've been trying.  It is so incredibly difficult to be trying and ready in all the right ways and to watch others around you not nearly as ready getting to be parents.

I try to be happy for others around me, but if I'm being honest, it's pretty much all fake.  It just makes me sad.  I KNOW that is not the right reaction, but I just can't help it. I find comfort with other women who tried for months or years to get pregnant and have experienced my same reactions and feelings.  At least I know I am not the only one who feels this way. I pray one day I will be looking back at these times in my life and they will no longer hurt.  I hope I get my little miracle one day sooner rather than later.