New Phase....or Maybe An Old One

So, I am still waiting on the wedding pics to finish posting about the wedding day, but I've been sitting here trying to decide if I should post or not, and felt like I wanted to.  So we'll take a skip over wedding day and honeymoon for a minute :)

This past week or so it seems I've been thinking a TON about friends and life.  I think it kinda all started with the wedding and reception, to be honest.  There are a few of our 'friends' who didn't show up that we were certain would.  And then there were those friends that we (mostly I) haven't seen in ages, and they took the time to show up still.  And then there were other friends that maybe I wasn't so fond of (but they are close with Alan) that I had a change of heart with.  Ya know how you will hear people say "You don't really remember who comes to your reception or not because you are so busy with everything"?  Yeah, I am not one of those people.  I DO remember, very clearly.  In fact, I still remember from my first wedding who didn't show up that I expected and I felt sad because of it.  The same rings true now.  There are some people who didn't show up that really just surprised me.  Thinking about our friendship and how often we spend time together, or are there for them, for them to not come makes me a little sad.  And then there was those few friends who I literally have not seen in at least a year (and others much more time than that) who came still.  Those friends.....it meant the world to me that they would come despite the time and distance between us.  To those friends (Amber & Matt, Kara, Stuart, Bryan & Allison), I say thank you, from the bottom of my heart.  And then there were that last group of friends who maybe I haven't had the deepest bond with in the past, but because of their actions over this time I came to realize that their friendship meant more to me than I had realized.

So all of this has me thinking.  Alan and I are at a point in our lives we are wanting some things to change.  We have goals, dreams, hopes.  We both know we always wanted to get back in to the church, but were somewhat afraid of how others would accept us before we were married.  (Yeah, didn't think it would go over well if we went to church, living together, not married, etc). But now that we are married, we made our way back to church for the first time last week.  Yes, only sacrament meeting, and yes, I was freaking out a bit about it all, but we went.  To Alan I think it felt completely normal, as if he never missed a beat with it all.  To me, I was anxious, nervous, and seriously thought about not going.  I think the difference there is, it has only been about 2 years since Alan hasn't been consistently.  It has been 9 years for me. It's gonna take some time to re-adjust I think :)  Then those things keep me thinking even further.....are the people we spending our time with now the people who make us better? Who encourage us in the direction we want to go? Who are honest, real, and are there for us?  Are they couples that we want to model our marriage after and who we feel are good examples to us?  In general, I must admit, I say no to most of those questions.  Those friends who we have spent time doing things with are most definitely not people we want to model our marriage after.  I've heard and read lots of things over the last few years about making sure you are friends with other married couples you look up to, etc.  Looking back over my divorce and all the situations that happened there, I can see the truth to this.

So where do we go from here?  It's not like we dislike our friends we spent time with now, they are still great people.  I think it is just that we want something a little different.  Because of these thoughts, we will be making attempts to re-connect with old friends lost, and take those opportunities to build new friendships with those in our ward who are close and are hopefully working towards the same life goals as we are. As confident as I am that this is a step in the right direction, it still scares me and I know there will be lots of changes to make!  I do not want to lose who I am, yet I want to become a better version of me.  I guess we just put one foot in front of the other and take things as they come in this journey :)